How to support a loved one who has been dismissed

There are few events that can knock someone off their feet like being fired. First comes the shock. Then comes the doubt, the wavering self-image and the quiet shame that can cause many to withdraw into themselves.

As a friend or relative, it is hard to stand on the sidelines and watch one of your loved ones go through such a crisis. We instinctively want to help, but it can be difficult to know how.

According to occupational psychologist and management consultant Mette Møller, this uncertainty is completely natural. We want to do the right thing, but we are afraid of making things worse. Nevertheless, support from loved ones often means much more than many people realise.

‘When you are there for each other during times when life hurts, it also strengthens the relationship,’ she says.

Small, simple actions can have a big impact, and there is a lot you can do as a friend, partner or family member. Here, Mette Møller gives her advice on how you can best support someone who has lost their job – and what you should avoid doing.

Understand the shock experienced by someone who has been dismissed

Being dismissed almost always triggers a state of shock. Even those who have had a feeling that something was coming experience a kind of paralysis when the news hits.

‘Being dismissed is characterised by the fact that you cannot prepare for it. You cannot imagine how it feels until you are actually in that situation. This means that we are all overwhelmed by shock,' says Mette Møller.

The shock can be both mental and physical. Racing thoughts, anxiety, sleep problems and paralysis are quite common. You may want to cheer up the person or find solutions. But in the beginning, it's all about being calm, patient and available in a daily life where everything has been turned upside down. They need a stable figure in a very unstable situation.

Right now, it's not about moving on quickly. The most important thing is to stay grounded.

Be prepared to listen to the same story about the termination – over and over again

A central part of working through the situation is talking about what has happened. Not because the person does not understand the situation, but because the repetition itself helps the brain process the shock and make sense of it.

Standing on the sideline, it may feel passive to just listen, but this is precisely where you make a significant difference.

‘When we are in a deep crisis, we need to have people around us who want to hear us talk about it – and most importantly, who don't get tired of listening,’ says Mette Møller.

It is not about coming up with solutions, but about being a safe place where the person can unburden themselves without being met with irritation, analysis or quick answers. Emotional venting is part of the healing process, and you can help most by providing space and acknowledging what is on their mind.

The conversations don't have to be deep every time. They can easily arise while emptying the dishwasher or going for a walk. Small, open-ended questions can also help get the conversation going, for example: How have you been feeling this week compared to last week?

Avoid falling into the optimism trap

In many relationships, an imbalance occurs when one person is affected: the other becomes “extra”. Extra strong, extra positive, extra action-oriented. But even good intentions can end up drowning out the person who just needs to be met where they are.

‘When the other person becomes more and more burdened, we become more and more active,’ explains Mette Møller about the dynamic.

Well-meaning optimism can therefore make the person feel that their reaction is wrong or that they should pull themselves together. This does not mean that hopelessness should be given free rein, but that hope is most beneficial when it comes in small, manageable doses and at a time when the shock has subsided a little.

Keep faith in a future after the dismissal

Once the worst storm has blown over, hope can be an important part of the support. Not in the form of quick pep talks, but as a quiet assurance that life does not end with a dismissal.

‘It is important that there are people around us who believe that everything will be fine again. We need someone to carry the hope while we ourselves are in doubt,‘ says Mette Møller.

Here, it is crucial that the hope is genuine. Superficial phrases such as ’It'll be alright‘ or ’It was probably for the best' rarely hit the mark. They are heard as empty consolation, and sometimes as a demand to be ready sooner than one is.

‘We are incredibly sensitive to insincerity, and we always see through it. Therefore, you have to mean what you say,’ elaborates Mette Møller.

It is therefore a delicate balance where you must not neglect feelings, but may gently remind them that being fired does not define their value or future. A better approach may therefore be to combine realism and care: ‘It's difficult right now, but it won't last forever’ or ‘You don't need to have a plan today. When the time comes, we'll figure it out together.’

Cultivate a sense of normality and avoid excessive consideration

Being dismissed from one's job often disrupts one's daily routine. Therefore, according to Mette Møller, it is crucial to avoid excessive consideration. The last thing someone who has been dismissed needs is for people to treat them differently than before.

‘We mustn't tiptoe around them,’ says Mette Møller, continuing: ‘They already feel a little abnormal, so it's important that someone maintains normality.’

An invitation for coffee, a little update on something in your own life or a normal conversation about anything other than the dismissal can help bring the person who has been dismissed back into the world.

The worst thing you can do is withdraw out of consideration. Many people who have been dismissed struggle with shame, and silence reinforces this.

‘The fact that others stay away out of misguided consideration actually makes the pain worse,’ explains Mette Møller.

Puncture the bubble to avoid isolation

Shame is one of the biggest causes of isolation. This means that many people who have been made redundant withdraw from social relationships at a time when they may need them most. Appointments are cancelled, messages slip through the cracks and energy levels disappear. This can lead relatives to believe that they should give them space, but in fact we should often do the opposite, according to Mette Møller.

‘Try not to let yourself be rejected. If you can't get the person out of their bubble, invite yourself in,’ she says.

This could be dropping by with some bread rolls, suggesting a walk or simply sitting on the sofa for half an hour. This does not mean that you should push them. But you can be more proactive than you normally are. Small, persistent signs of care make it easier for the person who has been dismissed to stay in touch with the world while their self-esteem is slowly rebuilt.

If the isolation becomes very pronounced or lasts for a long time, Mette Møller recommends gently suggesting professional help: ‘Would you like to talk to someone who knows more about this? Or, if it's your partner: ’I think we should use some of our savings to get you to talk to a professional.'

Avoid criticism – and making the person who has been made redundant feel like a victim

Criticism hits particularly hard during this period. Even questions that may sound practical, such as How many jobs have you applied for this week?, can be perceived as mistrust or pressure, because the person typically already criticises themselves from morning to night.

But excessive care can also have a negative effect. If you constantly wrap the person in ‘I feel sorry for you’, it can keep them in a victim role. When you are made a victim, you can feel even more paralysed and less able to take small steps forward.

Therefore, try to avoid pressuring and fussing.

You are what your loved one needs

Standing by someone you care about in a redundancy situation is demanding. But you don't have to solve the crisis.

One of Mette Møller's recurring points is that small actions often make the biggest difference: dropping by with some food, offering to pick up the children, sending a little message now and then or suggesting a short walk.

When someone loses their footing, what they need most is to be surrounded by people who stand firm. Not with big words or grand gestures, but with a quiet, persistent presence.